genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead