12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
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shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Me when my alarm goes off
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
😂 amazing answer
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.