Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.