Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.