Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.