@lazerdoov: Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I'm super nice just trying to figure out why I can't breathe when I eat chips
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@Dutch_50: Instructions in the Men's Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can't be bothered unless there's an opportunity to learn stuff.
@thatdutchperson: [first date] Her: know what you're getting yet? Me: a burger and one of those coloring menus. Her: oh, you have a kid at home? Me: no.
@Raahael: "Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it". Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn't watch CSI.
@AndyAsAdjective: *stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*