Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me too
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]