When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming