A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
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There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Ovenable?
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My dress code is business-casualty.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”