Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I want this so bad
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.