Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
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ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”