Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.