Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
notice
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.