Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
some things should go without saying
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Super Hand Dog Face
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?