[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
I’m not lazy
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know