@tonsmorecowbell: My spirit animal is a dolphin because I use sonar to make sure I'm peeing in the toilet every night.

@LurkAtHomeMom: No thanks, I'm not hungry right now. I'll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I'll have some. -kids

@KateQFunny: Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says "Don't Bother Me," so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.

@TravZA: I answer private number calls with: "Rent a Gent hello"

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.