Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
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Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”