@badbanana: There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I'm supposed to stop reading the internet.

@jeepwave7: It's not a coincidence that we use the term "committed" to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution

@AkaCorbinDallas: Tweets got stolen. * Everybody looks at the new black dude following *

@OfficialMizGin: Annoying guy trying to hit on me: This is like a scene from a romantic movie. Me: Yeah, I’m the iceberg and you’re the Titanic. #Queen

@AaronFullerton: Making a list of all the people who wrote "Happy Birthday" on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who's secretly mad at me.