DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Oops
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
not for long
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.