Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians