DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊