DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
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I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives