Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Sign of the day..
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.