Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
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EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I am, perchance
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?