Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
i did the math
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi