DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
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99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer