Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
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Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
October already? What’s next? November????
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.