Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
You Might Also Like
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
🍞🦆
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help