dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.