– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.