– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
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Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”