My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
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No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*puts my mental health in rice
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m giving up for Lent.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.