Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
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*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
i prefer mine room temperature.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.