Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere