Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
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Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*swipes right on my hand mirror
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Very good! 👍😂
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Erm I’m gonna say no
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.