DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
It was worth a shot 😂
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER