DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
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Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
listen closely
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.