Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
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A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.