Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree