Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.