Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
This probably isn’t good
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.