Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
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Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”