[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation