[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Oops I deleted….
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
#ProTip
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013