[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
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How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Thoughts
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I cannot call her anything else now
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
“and how does that make you feel?”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help