DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
You Might Also Like
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.