Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
58.
Meow?
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.