Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
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99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.