I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Herpes is trending, good job people
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
for all #parents out there
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?