fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
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Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile