@Reverend_Scott: *dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
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@mattZillaaaa: [job interview] HR: Says here you're very good at multi-tasking *me taking a selfie & spinning in chair HR: *whispering "wow he's good"
@noog: [5 year old tugs on pant leg] Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren't actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
@Try2StopME: Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.
@AndyRichter: If you're not carrying around matchbooks from places you've been recently I don't know why you don't want your murder to be solved