[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.