Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book